Calculating Loneliness
by InkStainedGhost
Summary: "It's a funny thing being alone, I mean fully alone... I've been lonely my whole life. I don't feel anything anymore..." Mikasa looks back on the events leading up to now and realizes the few things keeping her from driving down the road we call insanity...


**Calculating Loneliness**

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><p>It's a funny thing being alone, I mean fully alone. Absolutely no-one or nothing by your side, nothing to distract, nothing at all. All your left with is the sound of your heart beat, your breath, your very mind. Sometimes, the loneliness can be quite peaceful, give you some time to think. But other times, it can be a deadly killer, can suck every happiness out of your soul.<p>

I've been lonely my whole life. I don't feel anything anymore, not the quiet peacefulness, not the painful killer.

Just nothing, I'm numb, I can't feel at all.

From when I was young, I had my family ripped apart from me. My own mother killed in front of my very eyes, from that moment onwards a sudden and strange verge of anger swarmed around me. I killed someone for the very first time in my life, I killed the man who killed my mother. It's a strange feeling when you've just murdered, you feel a pounding of guilt, adrenaline through your veins, but the same time, it's the best feeling you've ever experienced, a rush you can never fully get rid of, a craving you can't satisfy.

From then on out, I thought I'd be alone, that I was alone. But something changed that, or well someone.

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><p>"<em>Come on, let's go home"<em>

"_Home?"_

"_Yeah, home"_

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><p>Eren, he was there the day I killed, and was there ever since. I was adopted into his family, and for a moment, the world didn't seem so lonely anymore. I felt warm, happy. For a while at least...<p>

In a blink of an eye, my world shattered before me. They came, the titans came and destroyed everything! They ate Eren's mother, my mother, and once again I left a loneliness inside.

We managed to escape just in time, Eren, Armin and I. When we left our world behind us, it was then that it changed forever.

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><p>"<em>I will destroy them, I will destroy all the titans!"<em>

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><p>That day, Eren swore he would kill all them, I couldn't help but to feel some admiration for his goal, but also a strong pounding of doubt, it seemed a dream that wouldn't be achieved. But that didn't stop him enlisting for the training squad. I joined with him, not because I wanted to fight for the same reason he was, but because I feared that if he joined alone, he would die, and I'd be alone once more.<p>

So the three of us joined the 104th training squad, Eren and I passed in the top 10, but before we could even chose our future paths, our fates. They came once more...

And once again, destruction laid in their path. The colossal titan broke through the second wall and laid way for the others. It was massacre, countless of soldiers and civilians died, eaten alive. I heard the screams of my team, I even heard Armin's, and I chose not to believe the truth.

Believing that they were both dead, I grew cold once more, and my craving came back. I saw a titan run towards the civilians trying to get out, I killed it with one clean cut. I then saw two arrogant men trying to get their cart through the gate, stopping others from getting out.

More anger grew among my fierce coldness, I walked over to the two, one of them trying to act like he could walk over me. I was in no mood, I was ready to kill...

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><p>"<em>How is a corpse going to talk?"<em>

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><p>I didn't murder, not after I found out that Eren and Armin were alive, and my crazing died once more. But that wasn't all. there was a small hope, a tiny glimmer of hope...<p>

In the midst of the battle, we made a terrifying and tremendous discovery. Eren could transform into a titan. He would help us, help us reclaim the wall, that's what they Armin thought, they didn't believe it. Until it came true. That still didn't stop him being treated like a monster, he was put in court, trialed for his so called crime.

They wanted him dead. Well, some didn't...

Eren was whisked away, taken into the Survey Corps as a special exception, a tool, a weapon. That's why I joined, I couldn't stand being lonely once more.

I'm not scared of the titans, I could kill them all even if it's only me.

As the weak left, a few others and I remained, Armin included, which I'll be honest, I did not expect. I couldn't help but also which he didn't, even though he grew to be a brave soldier, he still lacked in strength, he could be easily killed, I couldn't let that happen.

After months of training in the survey corps, it was finally time for our first expedition outside the walls. Just like we dreamed of when Eren, Armin and I were children, or at least what Armin dreamed of.

We were all split up, Armin one side of the formation, me another, and Eren another. After several close titan encounters, and a strange encounter with a female titan,we arrived at the entrance of a thick wood, our mission, prevent any titan from entering. The only problem...

Eren was no where to be seen.

We defended, and fought, and soon there was so many we couldn't fight anymore.

It was then I heard the recognizable sound of Eren's titan roar. I abandoned all orders and went to help him, to save him from the trouble that he had no doubt got tangled up in. To my horror, I saw him fighting the female titan, but by the time I arrived it was too late...

The titan took him.

Rage, fury and thirst swarmed around me, I wanted revenge!

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><p>"<em>Give... Eren... BACK!"<em>

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><p>I didn't want Eren to die, I couldn't let him die, not when he stuck by me, not when he's one of the few people I had left. Not so I'd be alone again. I wanted to kill that bitch, I wanted to rip her apart, let her burn! But I never got that pleasure, Corporal Levi stopped me before I even got the chance! However, Eren was saved, for now...<p>

The mission was a disaster, many innocent soldiers died, and we got nothing in return. Eren was still seen as a monster and the female titan was still out there.

But then, things started to change, Armin was clever enough to realize who the female titan was, Annie Leonhart, and how to trap her. Our plan came in action and before I could blink, Eren was in the midst of another fight. Even though he has survived before, I couldn't help but to worry for him, I couldn't let him die, not ever.

This was also my chance to fight, to kill that bitch, to get my wanted revenge. As she tried to escape by clambering up the wall, I saw my chance, I caught up with her, chopped off her fingers, and let her fall, allowing Eren to finish her. Finally, the battle came to an end, I care not what happened to the others, all I know that Annie crystallized herself, and the Survey Corps are almost on the brink of termination.

But my friends were safe, my family were safe. Eren and Armin are all I have left. All I have from falling back into isolation, from controlling my craving for blood...

For keeping me sane in the cruel yet beautiful world.


End file.
